Scene Detail
“But I don’t remember fangs or claws or hair, well, not a lot of hair anyway.”
| From: the Thirst collection | | 2 Characters |
| Gender |
Age |
Character Name |
| Either |
Adult: Any Age |
3 |
| Either |
Adult: Any Age |
TERRY |
Setup:
This is the start of the play from the beginning, read on...
(The second part of the play is available for viewing on this site under the pull quote: “Thanks, Zombie Glenn. I’ll keep that in mind.”)
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SceneLonesome, Wild & Blue (or How To Date A Werewolf)
part 1
Copyright 2010 by Matthew A. Everett
A restaurant.
TERRY waits alone at a table, expectantly.
Somewhere in a distant part of the restaurant, GLENN begins to approach the table. Slowly. As zombies do. This will take a while. (And will probably go unnoticed by most.)
Meanwhile, 3 [as ROBIN] approaches, hopeful, wearing a coat.
3 (ROBIN)
Hi. Terry?
TERRY
Yeah.
3 (ROBIN)
Robin.
TERRY
Good to meet you.
3 (ROBIN)
So. Werewolf.
TERRY
Werewolf?
Suddenly, 3 (ROBIN) stands, taking off their coat, revealing a white lab coat underneath.
3 is now someone completely different - Terry’s DOCTOR. 3 (DOCTOR) whips out a clipboard or medical file with which to continue the discussion.
3 (DOCTOR)
Werewolf.
TERRY
You’re certain about this?
3 (DOCTOR)
Absolutely.
TERRY
How?
3 (DOCTOR)
I did a test.
TERRY
There’s a test?
3 (DOCTOR)
A new test.
TERRY
Maybe it was wrong.
3 (DOCTOR)
I did it four times.
TERRY
Oh.
Going back, actually I meant how did I -- ?
3 (DOCTOR)
Were you attacked by a werewolf?
TERRY
No.
3 (DOCTOR)
Are you sure?
TERRY
I think I’d remember.
3 (DOCTOR)
Maybe “attack” is too strong a word. Bitten?
TERRY
By a werewolf?
3 (DOCTOR)
By anyone.
TERRY
No.
3 (DOCTOR)
Nibbled?
TERRY
Sometimes.
3 (DOCTOR)
Hickey?
TERRY
I’m not in high school.
3 (DOCTOR)
Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.
TERRY
Maybe every now and then.
3 (DOCTOR)
Draw blood?
TERRY
Not rivers of it.
3 (DOCTOR)
Just a trickle. All it takes.
TERRY
But I don’t remember fangs or claws or hair, well, not a lot of hair anyway.
3 (DOCTOR)
That’s the problem with latent lycanthropy.
TERRY
Latent lycanthropy.
3 (DOCTOR)
Werewolf. Technical term.
A lot of people have it and don’t even know it.
TERRY
Like me?
3 (DOCTOR)
Like you. A carrier.
You told me to test for everything.
TERRY
But I didn’t think werewolf was on the menu.
3 (DOCTOR)
It is once the pharmaceutical companies come up with a new drug.
TERRY
There’s a drug?
3 (DOCTOR)
It’s not that good.
TERRY
But does it make it go away?
3 (DOCTOR)
No.
TERRY
Oh.
3 (DOCTOR)
Once you’ve got it, you’re stuck with it. Sort of like herpes.
TERRY
Herpes?
3 (DOCTOR)
And AIDS.
TERRY
AIDS?!
3 (DOCTOR)
Except it’s not fatal. So I guess it’s more like herpes.
TERRY
If you can’t cure it, why test?
3 (DOCTOR)
The drug companies need to know who to market their product to.
TERRY
I wish I had herpes.
3 (DOCTOR)
No, you don’t.
TERRY
Why not?
3 (DOCTOR)
Being a werewolf is mysterious, dangerous, and even a little sexy. Herpes is just sad.
TERRY
That’s not very nice.
3 (DOCTOR)
It’s true.
TERRY
How would you know?
3 (DOCTOR)
I have herpes.
TERRY
Oh.
3 (DOCTOR)
Latent lycanthropy can be spread through sexual contact.
TERRY
Even if I don’t break the skin?
3 (DOCTOR)
The only way to be sure not to give it to somebody else...
TERRY
is not to have sex with them.
3 (DOCTOR)
Exactly.
And you’ll need to inform all your sexual partners.
TERRY
All my sexual partners.
3 (DOCTOR)
We have no idea when you got this.
TERRY
Because there wasn’t a test.
3 (DOCTOR)
It could have been 20 years ago, it could have been last week.
TERRY
It couldn’t have been last week.
3 (DOCTOR)
Why not?
TERRY
Because I haven’t had sex in over two years.
3 (DOCTOR)
Really?
TERRY
Keep going, you’re making me feel so much better about it.
3 (DOCTOR)
That’s too bad.
TERRY
I thought so, too.
3 (DOCTOR)
Then you’ll just have to notify everyone going forward.
TERRY
What if I’m just really, really careful?
3 (DOCTOR)
You still have to tell them.
In fact, I’m going to put a little note here in your file saying that I told you to tell them.
TERRY
You’re inoculating yourself against a future potential lawsuit?
3 (DOCTOR)
Yup.
As long as I can prove I gave you the advice, it’s not my fault if you didn’t take it.
TERRY
But then no one will have sex with me.
3 (DOCTOR)
No one’s having sex with you anyway.
TERRY
Hey.
3 (DOCTOR)
Two years is a hell of a dry spell.
TERRY
I thought I might be coming out on the other side of it finally.
3 (DOCTOR)
You are. As a werewolf.
TERRY
Latent werewolf.
3 (DOCTOR)
You can still pass it on.
TERRY
Does the drug block transmission?
3 (DOCTOR)
In most cases.
TERRY
Really?
3 (DOCTOR)
No, not really. It’s expensive, but it’s not really that effective yet.
TERRY
My nails, teeth and hair aren’t --
3 (DOCTOR)
-- aren’t that exceptional, I know.
TERRY
Hey.
3 (DOCTOR)
That’s why they call it latent. You don’t look like you have it. Nobody knows.
TERRY
So what’s the harm?
3 (DOCTOR)
They’ll hate you.
TERRY
But I’ll get laid.
3 (DOCTOR)
Not at the rate you’re going.
TERRY
Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.
3 (DOCTOR)
Say you do get laid, and they wolf out? They’ll hate you. Even if they don’t get it but they find out you knew and didn’t tell them, they’ll hate you. On the other hand, if you tell them beforehand...
TERRY
They won’t sleep with me.
3 (DOCTOR)
Probably not. But they won’t hate you. They’ll just pity you.
TERRY
Great.
3 (DOCTOR)
You don’t have the luxury of being spontaneous anymore.
TERRY
Remember when sex used to be fun?
3 (DOCTOR)
I have herpes. So, no. It’s been a while.
3 (DOCTOR) drops the lab coat.
3 is back to being Terry’s date ROBIN again.
3 (ROBIN) rises.
3 (ROBIN) (cont’d)
I’m gonna make a trip to the restroom before we order.
3 (ROBIN) leaves.
TERRY watches 3 (Robin) go.
(The second part of the play is available for viewing on this site under the pull quote: “Thanks, Zombie Glenn. I’ll keep that in mind.”)
copyright 2010 by Matthew A. Everett
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